Ars Memorandi Mori

A member of our team died today.

I was going to make a post about being on-call, how it was an exhilarating and teaching experience. I was going to write about how I experienced one aspect of death, but now I have experienced another.

I did not have much of a relationship with Margaret. I only knew her for a week. We traveled a city together, experienced orientation together, dealt with confusion by talking to one another. I find I am unable to grieve her, because I did not know her.

There are a few unknowns. She met me this morning to take over the on-call schedule. I gave her the keys and the pager. I got an email this afternoon stating she had collapsed while on-call, and did not survive. I know no more than this.

She has a husband in California. She has a sister here. She has children and grandchildren. She was to graduate soon. She was to be ordained soon.

I cannot grieve, but I can be angry and confused. This situation raises questions of justice and love. Why does something like this happen? Why should someone die, literally, on the first day of their ministry? Where is God in all of this?

I find that I do not understand, and that is the worst place for me.