Ars Memorandi Mori

I drove over two thousand miles in the past three days. Here's what I learned along the way:

- Each state has very distinct roadkill. New Mexico was littered with snakes of various sorts. Texas had armadillos. Missouri had bugs everywhere. Illinois and Indiana have deer. Quite a display of local deceased fauna. Shame all that deer had to go to waste.

- I hate driving through Oklahoma. It seems the fine people of the southern state think so highly of themselves that they charge you for driving through it. I had to pay almost $20 in tolls just to get from one side to the other. It's not that I'm against tolls; the roads have to be kept somehow, but these roads were barely drivable. If you're going to extort money from weary travelers, you should at least have the dignity to use it for pavement.

- While Arizona and New Mexico are quite beautiful and a pleasure to drive through, the states between the coasts are just plain boring.

- If you feel yourself getting sleepy, crank up the AC. It follows a little trick I learned from the David Letterman show; your body keeps you fairly awake if you're cold.

- The most expensive gas is on the Cali-Arizona border. $4.99 a gallon, as of two days ago.

- Once you hit the highways, you can watch TV while you drive. I suggest the Colbert Report or old episodes of Alias.

- There are lots of stupid, stupid people in the world. How does someone get into an accident on a one lane construction road going 15 mph?

- You can entertain yourself for ours by attributing random personalities to various appendages, and then foster ethical debates between them.

- Most importantly, I learned I can drive over two thousand miles in under three days. You never know when you'll have to pack up shop and hightail it outta Dodge.